Relapsing without Substance

Saying No to Hurts Habits and Hangups

Substance Abuse

One of the stigmas of most recovery programs is that you have some sort of substance abuse problem. "Sure, I can quit any time!" we may tell others - and even ourselves.

My first visit to Celebrate Recovery, I remember saying to myself, "What on earth am I doing here?" I was not an alcoholic or drug addict.  I had the same mindset that most have about these types of programs that you needed to have an overwhelming addiction to some sort of substance that has ruined your life, your family, and possibly landed you in jail or on the street.

The long river of De-Nial

"A little view of flesh won't hurt me. I'm a straight man after all."  "I'm going to grab a quick smoke to take the edge off." "I can't start the day without a hot cup of coffee." Although I didn't come home late at night, stinking of booze and another woman's scent, I did have some vices that I made plenty of excuses for.  Even worse, I patted myself on the back for not living that lifestyle - which seems to be a little bit more acceptable in this world than having porn site pop-ups.

In Matthew 19, there is a story of how a law abiding rich man wanted to follow Jesus. "I've followed all of the law since birth!" he boasted. But when Jesus said to sell everything he owned and give it to the poor, the man hung his head and walked away.

Was Jesus being unreasonable asking mere man to be perfect? Or, was He showing that we all have some hangups we need help with?

Habits without substance

I don't know if it is because I realized what my deeper hurts, habits or hangups were, but as I attended Celebrate Recovery groups, most of the core issues seem to be problems that had no substance like drugs, nicotine, or alcohol. Perhaps, after I was able to kick the nicotine and porn habits I was able to really look at what the real issues were. (yes, I'm still avoiding admitting my coffee addiction!)

People that deal with codependency, anxiety, depression or other non-substance related struggles can't call their sponsor and say, "Hey, I'm really struggling here. I want to go out and say 'Yes' to someone." They don't start their day thinking, "I'm going to go out and have a miserable time!"

These habits without substance don't often come with a choice - but too often come with excuse. Codependents struggle with people-pleasing because we are all told to be generous. I'm not a therapist, so I can only tell you my own experience with this, but anxiety and depression seems to be a result of being all things to all people.

Bad advice and relapse

"Just say no!" may have been a great idea in the 80s, and possibly can work in your recovery.  However, would that work for social struggles? If you are trying to overcome people-pleasing, how well do you think saying "no" to your boss would go over?  Recently, I shared with someone about my depression and they said, "People don't understand. It's like telling people with cancer to stop having cancer!"

Personal story:

Over the past year or so, I've gotten back into some bad habits of people-pleasing. Trying to keep myself in check, I've practiced a respectful "no" when things were going in a bad direction.  Unfortunately, this didn't set well with my boss.

Knowing, but not quite understanding my position and struggle, I was assigned more work and given less insight to things I was responsible for. Word spread throughout the office that people were not to speak to me. Trying harder and harder to make everyone happy, I fell into a deep depression.
"God give me the serenity..." made it harder because I clearly saw what I could not change. But all others could see was my depression.  So, I was labeled as having an "attitude problem" in my permanent record!
Struggling to say "yes" to things that clearly should have been "no", my face clearly showed my displeasure. Reacting to my twitches, my boss seemed to get so frustrated with me that her words made no sense. Asking her to clarify, she became enraged and pointed to "my attitude problem" - sending me into a full-blown anxiety attack (something I had never experienced before).

Return to Recovery

At no time did I make a conscious decision to relapse.  At no time did I choose to disrespect my leadership and tumult into a depressed state. At no time did I say to myself, this is the day that I am going to get so wound up that I get sick and almost pass out. It was not a drink or a drug that I reached out for, but a series of social defects that brought me to rock bottom...again.

At some time, I do believe I said to myself that I could handle this. I said to myself that I could apply the good habits that I learned in Celebrate Recovery to return myself and my environment back to sanity. The problem is "I" cannot do any of that - a core principle that I forgot to apply!

So I am back to Celebrate Recovery again, starting with step one: admitting that I am powerless over my behavior and that my life has become unmanageable. I certainly duped myself in believing that things would somehow get better without some real intervention. And just like my first step in recovery 12 years ago, even though the catalyst of my behavior is outside of my control, I know that the intervention and need for change starts with me.