Misplaced Devotional - Offense vs Defense

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Misplaced Devotional

During the first years of my recovery, I had a pretty strong devotional life: Thankfulness and preparedness prayer in the morning, Bible study in the afternoon, and in the evening an inventory prayer of my day with prayer for others.

For the past few years, that devotional time was focussed elsewhere. A cup of coffee with a couple cigarettes accompanied the daily news in the morning, coupled with a game plan for attacking the day. At the end of the day, my mind swarming with all of the troubles of the day, I sit in front of the computer or TV hoping that I could be distracted by the insanity that plagued my soul.

Even this morning, with a full Saturday of focussing on celebrating recovery, my thought habitually went to overcoming the torment that the week will bring me.  If drugs or alcohol were my vice, I don't know if I could claim victory over the day. They say that depression is anger turned inwards, so getting it out on this blog is at least a step in the right direction.

Offense vs Defense

I am consciously aware at this point that my devotion has been misplaced.  In working this first step, "knowing that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life has become unmanageable", I know what I am supposed to do, but the negative thoughts and the daily mis-devotion of setting up a game plan to overcome the problems I am facing are a habit I've only started to overcome.

As an independent contractor, my morning ritual was to set up a good offense for my day - setting my goals for overcoming a client's needs and growing my business.  However, as an employee my goals for overcoming my boss' needs are not enough!

I used to like Facebook, even when it got opinion-driven.  But then it became so polarized that any opinion on politics, religion, what to eat, or even where you go to the bathroom would lead to people being offended.  The environment that I go into during the week is much like that - full of those who are quickly offended. So, my morning devotional has been overwhelmed by a defense plan - and not a good defense plan.

In the morning, I think of every possible offense that may come up for the day so I am prepared for them. After carefully measuring what is worth letting go and what would cause the company lasting peril, I head into battle. Going from the "safe place" of CR to this environment is a bit terrifying to me - especially when I am "powerless".

Trouble Management

In John 16:33, Jesus tells the disciples, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." This was said after the training of the disciples was over and they were given all the answers needed to carry on the Gospel of the Kingdom.

I had worked in a similar environment "in this world" when I began Celebrate Recovery. Looking back, I realized I did the same thing of setting up a defense plan that didn't work before learning and living the principles.  Just as today, that led to frustration, added depressive thoughts, and seclusion from others. 

I thought I could overcome the problems on my own. Then one fateful day, as I was driving to work, and a song by Mercy Me came on the radio. As someone with depression, the title of the song was probably not the best choice, but the words to "So Long Self" go on to say, "I have found somebody else." It mimics what Jesus said, "in me you may have peace."

So as of today, I know that I have to consciously redirect my misplaced devotionals. My defense plan must go from MY plan to overcome to HIS plan of overcoming. I am not delusional to think that this change will not come with another wave of offense, but I do know - outside the religious platitudes - that I can do all things by Christ who gives me strength... now lets see if I can walk out this covenant in the morning.


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