The First Step Is Always the Hardest

That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. - N.Armstrong

Baby steps

My youngest of two sons turned 18 this month. I remember when they both were born, how I would sneak into their rooms in the middle of the night just to hold them. My wife's biggest fear was that I would wake them. My biggest fear was that someday they would learn to walk and then become too big to hold.

As a computer programmer with some amateur knowledge in anatomy, I realized I didn't have nearly the skills to teach my sons how to walk. Singing "The foot bone is connected to the shin bone..." is about the best I could have done. But the first steps of my child were amazingly out of my control.

As I took my first steps in recovery, it was my decision - even though I had no clue where I was going or even how to take that first step.  But that wasn't the biggest struggle! Just as my wife and I had different fears during the infant years, as you take your first steps there will be well-meaning people that will hinder your first steps.

The first type of person will be like I was with my children.  They love you just the way you are - curled up in a ball, possibly dirty and smelling like poop and spit up.  The love is great and unconditional - as long as nothing changes to disrupt their control over your life.

The second type of person will be like my wife was with our children.  They don't want you to wake up, they don't want to deal with the crying. That's not to say that they don't want you, but the growing pains and dealing with some harsh realities that you will need to face may... as the Firefly character, Jayne, says, "You are beginning to damage my calm!"

First step of recovery

In my first step of recovery, I acutely remember the reaction of others who I thought would be my support. With core issues of depression and codependency, returning that night with a smile on my face and a bit of self-confidence, my wife began believing that I was having an affair. As I continued, and was able to explain that Celebrate Recovery was more like a church, she believed I was in a cult.

The first step is to admit that you are powerless over your addictions and compulsive behaviors - realizing that our lives have become unmanageable.  The common idea is "let go and let God", but it turns out it takes a lot more strength to admit that you are powerless!

So I had a decision to make. Do I crawl back into the crib with all my funk to make my wife happy? Or, do I continue on this road to make me a better husband, father, son, and man.  I'd like to say my wife came around and began to support me, but within 4 months she moved out.  It took another 5 years until she let me know that she realized that the change was real, beneficial, and that I wasn't in a cult or cheating on her.  Thankfully for my CR support team, I was able to continue on.

Pride comes before a fall

Growing up, my father kept telling me not to slide down the railing on our back porch. Needless to say, in my 5-year-old mind, I thought I could handle it. You probably guessed it, but going into Kindergarten my left arm was in a sling and I learned to write right-handed like most children.  Getting to the end of the year - older, but not much wiser - I broke my other arm, doing the same exact thing!

Although I had learned and grown a lot during my first 6 years with CR, I wound up sinking back into old habits and coping mechanisms. The divorce made me a bit of an outcast for church, so without having a family - spiritual or when I got home - work became my purpose. Instead of going to Bible study, I attended work conventions.  On the outside - and in my delusion - this all seemed harmless, and "safe".

But this meant instead of trying to please and provide support to one wife and two children, I found myself trying to please multiple bosses and support staff. With work being my priority, most of my "friends" only called when they wanted free client services. Without friends I could just talk with, without a spiritual family to encourage me, and with my nearest family over 500 miles away... on the surface I seemed okay - but little by little, I lost my religion, my self-worth, and any reason to be happy.

Learning to walk again

So I am basically back to step one in my recovery again.  This time, starting with less support than before. But the biggest thing that is holding me back is, just like breaking my arm a second time during Kindergarten, I relapsed and I really should know better.

I know that I will have to deal with the work environment that doesn't know how to handle a recovering person.  I know that I will have to face some of the same issues... again. I know that I will probably go back to a church with people who had scorned me. But I also know, that I will have to do this for myself and nobody else!

Because, "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." (Romans 7:18)