Denial 2 - April showers bring May flowers

April Showers

I think I've made it abundantly clear how terrified I was to go powerlessly into the world yesterday. With this path to recovery being my second time, I've been second guessing how I have been writing about this second time around.  After all, I should know better than to think a certain way, behave a certain way, and believe a certain way.  But, as I pointed out yesterday, "You can't heal a wound by saying it's not there!" (Jeremiah 6:14, TLB)

Although the anxiety and negative thought patterns are real, the ability to face and admit my character defects this time around were much easier. The first time around I was stuck on denying my personal responsibility in my problems until about Step 8.  I also had a real hard time believing that God was going to intervene.

That second belief issue was, surprisingly, what was holding me back for the past few years.  During this past weekend, I remember when it happened.

Oh how the mighty have fallen

I had a good job, good friends, car, home, et cetera - a reasonably comfortable life. My purpose and spirit were strong in multiple ministries. When my life left and took my son out of state, I believed it had a purpose! But, as humanity being the way it is - even in church, I was slowly edged out of ministries and other family-based relationships.

Still strong in my faith, I asked God for guidance. Within 2 months I left my comfortable life to live in a shack with extreme temperatures. The shack had been used for storage after it was used for parties that were never cleaned up. It reeked of old "cigarettes", booze, and well-aged food. With sub-freezing temperatures, the lack of insulation and broken windows and walls became more apparent.  Unemployment being at an all-time high in the area, I could not find a job - which, with no running water, I don't believe that I could have kept one for long anyhow.

Of course, my brother and his family lived in the building next store, so if they didn't lock the door, I could go inside to go to the bathroom to wash up, but often I had to go outside or down the street and use a store's bathroom. Although I didn't really celebrate Halloween, the candy left on the ground was a good source of "nutrition" to warm me into the winter months.

As bad as that all seems, it was some of the best time of my life! Within a week of moving there, I was invited to see my niece's teen ministry. At least two days a week I got to eat, but that's not the good part.  It was clear this is why God had me there, and I was living my purpose with most people not knowing my impoverished condition - because Jesus has food that many don't know anything about (John 4:32).

But then it all hit at once.  The finalized divorce papers arrived in the mail and a break up via text, and a clear view of the condition of my life. Crying out to God for salvation, blaming God for leading me here, I gathered the change I had saved for a months worth of food and headed to the store for a pack of cigarettes - 5 1/2 years down the tube. After one cigarette - no answer... so I lit up again - still nothing.  I aggressively accepted some - ok, a lot of alcohol that I had refused before, and with every chug, Will you save me now God!?! Are you paying attention!?!

Although the tantrum was a one-time-thing, the silence remained. I declared I would still serve and praise this silent God. But without His voice to guide me, my passion dimmed - my disciplines failed - and feeling nothing, I decided to return to were the comforts were - two years later.

The dawn's early light

Trying desperately to get back into that "comfort zone", I dove into working... up to 20hrs, 7 days a week. With the past church experience, my devotion was deep Bible study - with a bad attitude. So I grabbed another cigarette, picked up my guitar, and played anything but the worship music that used to bring me such connection to Anything. If God was going to be silent to me, I would be silent to Him!

Over the next 5 years, I slowly recognized what 2 Peter 2:19 (GNB) explains: "They promise them freedom, while they themselves are slaves of destructive habits - for a man is a slave of anything that has conquered him." I don't think I have to restate all the things that I had become conquered by, and I've already explained, more than I care to repeat, my environment of those enslaved by destructive habits.

But in my anger, pride, and disillusionment, I had become totally numb to my surroundings. Call it a coping mechanism to pretend things weren't as bad as they were. From the day that the mighty (me) had fallen, I was doing everything I shouldn't do to numb the pain - including believing I should numb the pain.

May Flowers

I really hope you got through all of that back story! Without knowing the darkness and my failures, my testimony of God's power just sounds like some religious platitude!

Last Friday night during the Celebrate Recovery worship session, I heard God's voice. Instead of complaining how long it took to return my call, I dropped to my knees - overwhelmed, and incredibly thankful to hear His voice again.  Of course, you don't usually see this type of behavior in a CR meeting, but when God says - well, pretty much anything - it is always in your best interest to ignore your surroundings and what other may think and do what you're told.

What He said, showed me, and how He loved me erased all of the hesitation of letting Him guide me again.  That really was put to the test as I entered back into work on Monday.  I'll tell you more about it later because I know there is so much more to come - both of His Glory and of my growing.