Denial 3 - Sick and tired

The day I finally woke up

This second time around, I woke up a lot faster than the first time. When I had ran into a friend at the local market who had mentioned about the local Celebrate Recovery meeting, I immediately realized two things: I had fallen into the same patterns of behavior that I had going to my first meeting, and, second, I had to make sure I got to the soonest Celebrate Recovery meeting possible.

Flashback - 13 years ago

It had been about a year since moving from the armpit of America to the sweaty crotch, but the change in environment did not improve marital relationships much. I use such strong language because, although the economic, atmospheric and social environments of New Jersey were bad, the lack of seasons, diversity, and good food made me absolutely hate Florida - let alone leaving my family to share a roof with the inlaws.

Although I had done the work to go to school to provide for my family, the job market crashed shortly after 9/11. Wanting to follow the "happy wife, happy life" promise, I gave her the good car while I drove old-n-busted. Then, when things couldn't seem to go worse, the battery died and I was stranded.

Pressing the "Snooze" button

I had chosen to get into computers instead of following my dream of becoming a rock star.  I don't know if I made the right decision, but I loved to listen to my hard rock in the hooptie. But after I got a jump and battery replaced, all of my stations were gone. Worse yet, I was stuck below the Bible belt and the only stations that came in clear were a bunch of preachers jawing about Jesus. #Snooze

So, I get to work and the warnings about my bosses being a couple of Jesus freaks really started getting on me.  I was there to do a job - an excellent job, if possible - so I could again provide for my family. #Snooze

I drove home in silence, handed my wife the paycheck, and yearned to just go to sleep. She didn't care about the day I had, just that I had gotten stuck in some traffic, and that she just might have considered to make dinner that night and that it would be cold! Her mother or friends that were almost always there chimed in on the nagging, and continued while I just hid myself in the bedroom to escape and go to sleep.

After a few months, I decided that the silence in the car was deafening, and I tried other stations - more preachers than in the whole Bible! But at least it was some good background noise.  The boss was looking for some business advice, so they invited their pastor in for guidance. #Snooze

A few months later, my son came home with a flyer for basketball signups.  He was (and still is) a great kid, but up until then, he seemed to have my lack of excitement for anything! But for this he was excited! Of course, I #Snoozed on the fact that it was a Christian basketball organization. But since my boy was excited, I was supporting him!

Although we've been renting the same house through all of this, it wasn't until a couple months later that I recognized how my landlord was also a pastor... #Snooze

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

The daily ritual of going to work, pouring my all into a job, coming home, getting nagged to death to a point I could not eat took a huge toll on me. In fact, things were a lot worse than I described... but me, I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired.

It wasn't until much later that I would realize that "[God] frees the prisoners...He lifts the burdens from those bend down beneath their loads." (Psalm 146:7-8) But at that point, I felt like a prisoner - stuck in a loveless marriage, stuck with more month than money, no escape from the demands of my boss, my wife, and myself - just wanting my family, including my two sons and even my wife... but I sit wallowing in the bedroom - hopeless.

Although the pain and sorrow had been around for a while, all of this snoozing went on for about a year until I finally woke up one morning on the way to work.  It wasn't until I really started looking at things - not just the bad - that I realized God was trying to get my attention, and I #Snoozed Him away.

I AM WOKE

My Bible-study application in the corner of my computer screen, my library of ministry references on a bookshelf in the bedroom, my stack of Bible-based DVDs by the TV... they no longer rang out to me. #Snooze. Jehovah's witnesses coming to my door, old church friends waving to me on Facebook, people asking if I want to join their Bible study... excited to share my love for Christ, but not too certain about your religion. #Snooze

I was back in my prison, but this time I was alone. The burdens weighed heavier on me than ever before - and I'd forgotten what.. or Who... gave me the passion to break free of this load of life. Sure I could go through the motions of praise and worship. I could say the words that would cause you to repent. I felt I was dead in my sins again - because that's all that I would hear (read the book of Job and see how his "friends" treated him.)

But as soon as I got back in the door at Celebrate Recovery, I felt like Robin Williams' character Peter Pan did in "Hook".  As soon as I started remember what my Happy Thawt was, I started to fly! Watch out Jas. T Hook, I'm awake, I can fly, and I'm coming at you with a Sword!