Denial 5 - A tale of two towers

The Tale

There is a truth we tell ourselves. There is a truth that we tell others. There is a truth that comes from Heaven, and a safe place is where the Three all meet.

The Two Towers

Obviously, not every place is a safe place. In my recovery both in the past and today, it is difficult to walk out the honesty throughout the whole day - especially when going into the office of the accuser. 

I spent the past 3 hours writing and rewriting, erasing and editing, praying and crying about the day I had today.  Over the past few days, the environment around me has changed, and my accuser joyously admitted that things have been much better.

Forgetting where I was and that my behavioral work probation required me to have these twice-per-day management meetings, I replied, in truth, "I haven't changed a thing!" Perhaps, not the best place to admit that the changes were all God's hand!

I didn't stop being honest, truthful, or humble. I didn't stop working hard and share with others. The only thing that changed was God's presence in my environment.

But the accuser did not want that response. They wanted me to bow my knee, follow their direction, and repent for things I never did! They wanted me to cry out their wisdom had made me change my evil ways!

The Light in the Tower

"God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin." - 1 John 1:5-7

If I hadn't restarted this journey to recovery, I probably would have reacted as I was "supposed to". False accusations, gossip sabotage of my projects, and consistent attacks (professionally and personally) had left me not just hopeless and miserable, but isolated from my coworkers and friend who didn't want to hear about it.

That is why I am on probation at work - because I am visibly frustrated with the lies and deceit that go unchallenged, and not only am I charged with the failure that is produced, in two-faced mockery  I am accused of "having to be right all of the time".

No, not all places are safe to be pursuing the Truth. Not all places are safe, to be meek. Not all places are safe to seek righteousness. Not all places are safe to mourn.  

It is at these times where I cannot help but declare the Lordship of Christ, to unashamedly seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit, to read the Word of God for a glimmer of light to guide my next steps.  It is also in these times, I choose to give up and give in, to the will of the people and of my own weaknesses.

I want so badly to tell you the whole story, but you may think I am trying to "play the victim." Whether I truly am the victim or not, I do not feel like it. Jesus said we would have troubles and more, so as I chose Him - I also count the costs which includes days like this.

The accuser will ask you to bow. The accuser will ask you to follow. The accuser will try to break you down and revel in your demise.  Perhaps, I shouldn't say "accuser". Perhaps, "bully". Perhaps, "dictator" or some other stronger - more relevant word. I choose "accuser" because they are just words that have been judged in contempt and flawed in the court of God - and those who know the truth will see my victory through Christ!