Denial 6 - Guess I will eat some worms

I'll go eat some worms

While others were playing "ring-a-round-a-rosie", I was in the corner singing about eating worms. There are some really awful songs we were taught as children! If you don't know how the song about worms goes, it starts like this:

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go eat some worms...

Now, I don't think I ever really ate any worms, and when they came up after a good rainfall or when we dug them up for fishing it never sparked the song for me.  Instead, it was my consistent belief that nobody liked me and that everybody hated me - a mindset that only began with the thought that the whole world was against me, formulating depressive thoughts.

Then, there was the "I think I'll go eat some worms" part, that even as a young child knew what that referred to - and when my depressive thoughts got bad enough, thoughts of suicide crept in.

I'll eat the crust of pizza

Socialization became inevitable in my teen years. Even with this deeply held belief that I was alone in this world, I did step out of my comfort zone to try to make friends.  Trying to make the best of it, I remember we would go out for pizza. As I waited for my slice to be passed, I found there was never enough. Others didn't want the crust, so wanting to be part of the crowd - I ate the crust.

It wasn't for a long time until I realized that the crust wasn't the best part of the pizza! I remember after getting my first paycheck from a part time job, I pedaled my bike 10 miles to an amazing smelling pizza restaurant and ordered two slices - just for me. I had finally made it!

People that know me now don't know why pizza is so important to me. But about a year and a half ago, the office bought pizza for everyone. However, no one else could do the time-sensitive job that I was doing. I had about an hour left, and one of my coworkers said they saved me two slices. Although I couldn't eat with everyone else, that meant a lot to me. After 6 straight hours of this task, while others were socializing, I was finished. I went to the kitchen opened up the box... two pieces of crust were left.

God will prepare you a table

In step 4 or 5, I'll probably explain to you what my part in this anti-social behavior is. That is because I know I cannot change others' behavior - only my own.  There is a small part of responsibility for "the victim", but it comes more from the self-fulfilling prophecy that "nobody likes me, everybody hates me."

Paul writes to the Ephesians, "Stop lying to each other; tell the truth. for we are parts of each other and when we lie to each other we are hurting ourselves." I don't think I deserve a good relationship with God or people. I don't think it is possible. So I don't even try to have good relationships - and settle for the crusts of bad ones. So that is what I tend to accept, and if you believe the law of attraction, it's the type of relationships I attract.

But God seems to have a different "Truth". He believes that we do deserve relationships - healthy and happy ones at that.  That was proven tonight at the end of our Celebrate Recovery meeting. As I got into my car, one of the group leaders came running to me. He said that next week I can join their step-study group (already in progress). The inclusion of someone who has only been to the CR meetings three times had me crying with joy the whole ride home!

To catch up with the step they are on, I will be writing two articles per day for the next week. Although I will be getting some real face-to-face accountability while working the steps I will still be keeping up with blogging my personal story through the steps - not just to help anyone that reads this, but to keep focussed throughout the week.

Final Notes

Celebrate Recovery is where anonymity and confidentiality are basic requirements except when someone threatens to injure themselves or others. If you have thoughts of harming yourself do contact your local authorities or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.

Also, as a Christ-based program, offensive language has no place. So, I will not say what those who taunt those with depression should eat. Rather, if you know someone who is suffering, Galatians 6:1 gives some excellent advice. Seek to understand - not to fix them - most of us just want to be heard. But be careful not to allow either yourself nor the one suffering to pull you into the negative delusions. Ask how you can help (although listening is usually good enough), you'll be surprised how many of us know how to get out of our funk with just a slice of pizza (with mushrooms and extra cheese, please!)