Powerless 1 - The DIY Disaster

-

I'll just Google it

I've been trying not to refer to any brand names to slant my struggle, but "Google" has become our go-to for so many answers in our lives today, it's just too hard to explain it any other way.

Call it being cheap or call it pride, but often when I run into a problem I want to learn to do it myself instead of finding someone more suited for the job.  Of course, in some instances that helps me grow in wisdom - but at some point, I need to just make that call for HELP!

Considering I just wrapped up the series on Denial, where I took some first steps to find where my problems and weaknesses were, my immediate response is - I got this!  Now common advice is to attack the problem straight on and admitting I am "Powerless" sounds kind of counterintuitive. But it is usually my DIY mentality that got me into this trouble in the first place!

The first serenity robber

As I had worked with many whose addictions were substance related - and not having alcoholic or drug-related tendencies - I realized that most of our shared core struggles were much deeper than a bar tab. So please bare with me as I get a bit deeper here.

I had finished my step studies, devoted my life to Christ, and became a servant to the Gospel. Disillusioned by those who would not put down their masks and being drawn to those in their lowest points, I stepped away from the comforts of typical church and went - without much accountability or plan - into the hedges (see Luke 14:23).

About a year into this "calling", I found that ignorance, power, and pride was a deadly mixture! After years of establishing relationships with God and other Believers, I felt I could continue in the Biblical principles on my own. Solomon was right when he wrote, "Pride ends in a fall, while humility brings honor." (Proverbs 29:23)

Conversations with God

I don't think I actually said, "Thank you, but I got this, God", but looking back, my actions probably were otherwise. My daily talks with God seemed to become too one-sided, and I boldly stepped out in ministry. But without protection, I fell... HARD! With no word-of-the-day from my higher power, I strived to keep on preaching, but the darkness of my surroundings overcame me and I fell back into old habits again.

Now some people don't think that God talks to people audibly anymore, but that was a reality for me. Ever since I was six - even though I didn't know Who was talking at the time - I knew His voice, and it was the only dependable relationship that I had.  As if that was not hard enough to accept, God would also give me visions that rocked my world.

Covered in blood

It had been about 6 years since I heard God's voice, but during the worship session of my second meeting at Celebrate Recovery (take 2), I heard Him and went down to my knees! From other's reactions, I don't think this was normal behavior - even if it was my lifestyle in years past. But I didn't care what others thought, my God, my Lord, my Father, my Daddy was speaking to me again!

I tried opening my eyes, but all I saw was darkness. As the Voice came closer, His Light illuminated my surroundings. I was covered in blood and surrounded by thorns and weeds so thick that the Light barely let in. I saw hundreds of snakes and lizards slithering through the tightly wound vines - staring at me, poised to attack.

I had wandered to the side of the road where I was warned there would be trouble. I thought I had the strength to withstand the worries and deceit that awaited me there. I thought that years of unanswered prayers was God's way of saying,"You got this!" I was wrong, I should have cried out louder!

So, after being rescued and bandaged, I am recovering again - redeemed again by my Savior. It doesn't matter if you believe my talk, but this is MY walk, and I believe I have to live it. Back to the garden I'll go, taking it nice and slow, allowing God to tend to the thorns and thistles.

I never thought it would happen to me, this pride, you see, is a deceiver. Though that blood, within, had covered my sin, I was still in need of a Savior.

In pride, I thought I was following the direction of Luke 14:23 - going out into the hedges to fill God's house.  But in reality, I'd ignored the warning of the parable of parables in Matthew 13:7 - where the seed was thrown among thorns and choked the plant. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Powerless 2 - Labeling the dimensions

-
Image
The labels we put on ... others As we go around our Celebrate Recovery small group circle, we introduce ourselves: Hi my name is ______, I am a believer in Jesus Christ, and I struggle with ______. When I switch to the teaching phase of this blog, I'll go into some more detail about why that format is so important. Yesterday was "May the fourth", and as I mentioned before, I am a "computer guy". Well, that is how I am labeled by others, and I was amazed, myself, that I had let the holiday of the greatest sci-fi story pass me by! It's as my label of "Hello my name is SUPER GEEK" had fallen off. But there are several labels that people have put on me. Some kind, some not so kind. Depending on the label they have of me is the stigma that they treat me with.  But one thing that has come to my attention lately is that whether they love me or hate me, most say the same thing that makes me seem unapproachable. The labels we put on ... ourse...
Read more

Relapsing without Substance

-
Image
Saying No to Hurts Habits and Hangups Substance Abuse One of the stigmas of most recovery programs is that you have some sort of substance abuse problem. "Sure, I can quit any time!" we may tell others - and even ourselves. My first visit to Celebrate Recovery, I remember saying to myself, "What on earth am I doing here?" I was not an alcoholic or drug addict.  I had the same mindset that most have about these types of programs that you needed to have an overwhelming addiction to some sort of substance that has ruined your life, your family, and possibly landed you in jail or on the street. The long river of De-Nial "A little view of flesh won't hurt me. I'm a straight man after all."  "I'm going to grab a quick smoke to take the edge off." "I can't start the day without a hot cup of coffee." Although I didn't come home late at night, stinking of booze and another woman's scent, I did have some vice...
Read more

Sanity 4 - Back to the garden

-
Image
Simply Living Growing up, we had farm animals as well as a few acres of garden.  We also had a great amount of wilderness to escape to, hunt in, and build tree houses in. With the fad culture of organic and raw living found in nearly every grocery store around me, I'm reminded the real work that is involved - not just checking the fruits and vegetables on the shelf for an "Organic" label. I don't think I need to detail what I needed to do if I wanted chicken for dinner. Escaping the hardness of true country-life (not the thing that mainstream redneck culture it has become) I found shopping an enjoyable experience.  However, the desire to have my own little garden in my 1/16th of an acre parcel became my refuge 2 years ago. The smell of the fertilized dirt over the asphalt and tar, began to revitalize me and nourish me more than any vitamin or supplement ever could. Pruning the unknown With a much different climate and lack of ability to plant a "real...
Read more