Powerless 3 - Breaking out in hives

I worry too much

A couple of weeks ago, I did have the worst anxiety attack that I've ever experienced.  None of my slow breathing, mind-clearing, or pacing techniques seemed to shake this blurred vision, dizziness and nausea. I'd just endured two-hours of such bold double-talk, that my brain could not figure out what was being communicated so I could provide the service that I was directed (or not-directed, I still can't figure out what they really wanted) to do.

Most of battles are held internally - like this time here.  The damage is not visible, no broken bones - but possibly a broken heart, no vomiting or diarrhea (at least not where others can witness), no slamming of doors or slandering of others - no way that others can see my struggle.  I was looking for a good picture of "breaking out in hives" as an example, and saw that it looked a lot like leprosy (the picture I actually used) - if my inward battle left me isolated, I can only imagine what the response would be if that happened to me!

And trust the wrong people

For way too long, I've done nothing but work and sleep - no devotion time, no family time, and certainly no party time. The "saying all work and no play" certainly applies to me. So, it is not hard to imagine most of my struggles are at work.

So when these problems occur, I talk it over with someone - hoping for some guidance or support to return the atmosphere to some sort of structured professional environment (where I thrive best). Sometimes, it is a coworker that comes and tries to calm me down - agreeing with what I am seeing happen and give me some advice.

Next I talk to my manager and boss - who, admittedly not knowing the technical part of my job, blame me for causing problems when all I am doing is explaining what the technical part of my job entails and struggling with non-technical people directing me to do damaging things.  In such a small office, gossip meetings of people who do not have my job develop, and attacks on my experience and character are strengthened.

Then of course, the few friends I have just tell me to stop worrying, stop being depressed, and just leave it. They are "tired of hearing about it"! Unfortunately, I am so worn down that I can't even put on a confident smile for an interview for a new job.

But trust God

A few months ago, I had surgery. Afterwards, I had a strict weight limit. I was assured that I would receive the help at work that was required.  After a few days without receiving that help and falling behind, I thought that I had the strength to get things done.  A piece of equipment slipped and was falling on me.  I cried out for help but I was ignored and laughed at by my co-workers.

It is that last memory of recovery that had me concerned about going back to my old church today.  Just like the surgery of a few months ago, the hurt was internal - so all people would see is me walking in tall with a dress shirt on.  The service I was able to provide when I was attending before would not be available.  Quite honestly, my biggest fear was that I would be recognized.

So, last night, I put together a game plan to sneak in, sneak out, and I would have obeyed what God had told me to do in going back to this church. As the anxiety grew, I looked at Matthew 6:34, "So don't be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time." So I went to bed.

When I arrived to church, I was so relieved that, from the parking lot, I did not recognize anyone! It had been a while, so my plan for sneaking in and out was going to work! Then I walked in the door.

Memories of faces and names, and warm feelings came swarming around me.  After a tornado of handshakes, hugs, and kisses, I'd like to say I found my seat, but instead I was put right into service. I didn't even get a chance to answer where I've been, why I have come back, or how long I intended to stay. But, given a seat of purpose, I was "sent by Jesus" at the right time - according to several people in leadership.

It wasn't my plan, it wasn't my way, but contrary to the ways and plans of the environment that I've been enduring lately, it was the right plan, it was the right way. After service ended, I got the chance to say, "hi" to the pastor, and the only thing I remember saying was, "If you'll have me, I'd like to keep coming back."