Powerless 5 - I did it my way

-

Regrets, I've had a few

Yesterday, I was watching TV and I saw a man, about my age and build, and he seemed infectiously happy. Immediately, I brushed him off as just some actor who must have issues - just like everyone else. I imagined the lifestyle he must've had to exude such confidence and joy and opportunities that I did not have.

A scruff of a beard, mussed hair, and greying in the same way that the man in my mirror has, but something was a bit different. It had to be his eyes! So, I quickly took a selfie and brought up my favorite graphics program and gave myself blue eyes, to see if I would see myself differently.

As I worked with my self-portrait, I saw the bags under my eyes, the lines in my face, the blotchiness of my skin, the grey in my beard, the yellowness in my teeth - all the things I see before I go to bed at night and when I wake in the morning reminding my of the life I have lived.

But then again, too few to mention

Another 'Ol blue eyes guy once sang a song about his life - a life of travel and biting off more than he could chew, of laughing, and loving, of crying and tears. My biggest regret is playing it safe, then betting it all - and having nothing to show for it! I regret more of what I haven't done than what I have.

Perhaps that is why I am not as grey as most guys 10 years younger, less wrinkly than those who have had the smiles. Perhaps, because I haven't aged like others my age, they do not understand that I have such low self-respect, self-image, self-love. Perhaps, all of the regrets, that are few to mention, that I am angrier with myself, and my circumstance, than anyone else could imagine - and I don't seem to have the power to overcome it!

I'll do it His Way!

I never did want it to be my way. I never want to be center of attention. Yesterday, I went back to my old church - a church that I was once cherished in. I was fearful of going, because - not just the state I'm in - but because I feared they'd make a fuss upon my return. I tried to explain this belief to someone and they thought I was crazy not to like the attention. But, and not only in church, I believe only One should be getting the attention.

But I have to face the negative self image I have of myself - the self-image that causes me to give up, to numb my pain, to hide my sorrow.  I look to Ephesians 4:26-27, where Paul writes, "'In your anger, do not sin': Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." Too often, I've hear this taught as being forgiving to others and not to sin in your anger for others. But I know I have to stop giving the devil a foothold by continuing this negative self image.

Instead, by finding how God sees me, through His Son, Jesus Christ, I find a new self-image, a new identity. Being around people that constantly put me down, does not help.  But after going back to my old church where I was greeted with hugs and kisses and purpose, perhaps I can learn how to see myself the way they see me, too!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Powerless 2 - Labeling the dimensions

-
Image
The labels we put on ... others As we go around our Celebrate Recovery small group circle, we introduce ourselves: Hi my name is ______, I am a believer in Jesus Christ, and I struggle with ______. When I switch to the teaching phase of this blog, I'll go into some more detail about why that format is so important. Yesterday was "May the fourth", and as I mentioned before, I am a "computer guy". Well, that is how I am labeled by others, and I was amazed, myself, that I had let the holiday of the greatest sci-fi story pass me by! It's as my label of "Hello my name is SUPER GEEK" had fallen off. But there are several labels that people have put on me. Some kind, some not so kind. Depending on the label they have of me is the stigma that they treat me with.  But one thing that has come to my attention lately is that whether they love me or hate me, most say the same thing that makes me seem unapproachable. The labels we put on ... ourse...
Read more

Relapsing without Substance

-
Image
Saying No to Hurts Habits and Hangups Substance Abuse One of the stigmas of most recovery programs is that you have some sort of substance abuse problem. "Sure, I can quit any time!" we may tell others - and even ourselves. My first visit to Celebrate Recovery, I remember saying to myself, "What on earth am I doing here?" I was not an alcoholic or drug addict.  I had the same mindset that most have about these types of programs that you needed to have an overwhelming addiction to some sort of substance that has ruined your life, your family, and possibly landed you in jail or on the street. The long river of De-Nial "A little view of flesh won't hurt me. I'm a straight man after all."  "I'm going to grab a quick smoke to take the edge off." "I can't start the day without a hot cup of coffee." Although I didn't come home late at night, stinking of booze and another woman's scent, I did have some vice...
Read more

Sanity 4 - Back to the garden

-
Image
Simply Living Growing up, we had farm animals as well as a few acres of garden.  We also had a great amount of wilderness to escape to, hunt in, and build tree houses in. With the fad culture of organic and raw living found in nearly every grocery store around me, I'm reminded the real work that is involved - not just checking the fruits and vegetables on the shelf for an "Organic" label. I don't think I need to detail what I needed to do if I wanted chicken for dinner. Escaping the hardness of true country-life (not the thing that mainstream redneck culture it has become) I found shopping an enjoyable experience.  However, the desire to have my own little garden in my 1/16th of an acre parcel became my refuge 2 years ago. The smell of the fertilized dirt over the asphalt and tar, began to revitalize me and nourish me more than any vitamin or supplement ever could. Pruning the unknown With a much different climate and lack of ability to plant a "real...
Read more