Sanity 1 - A little bit insane

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The good old days

I don't know if it is a Florida thing, or just the typical small talk between people that cannot connect, but I just had yet another conversation about the weather. It reminded me how a storm had come through years ago and the roof collapsed where I had stored all of my childhood through 20's memorabilia.  It was bitter-sweet because, although most of my pre-adult life was filled with torment that I did not want to remember, there were some things that I did want to remember - like friends from High School and awards I had won.

Since returning to the Celebrate Recovery Program, I've been torn about what to share and to think about.  On one side, I wanted to share about all of the dramatic changes that happened in my life while going through the process - to inspire others.  On the other hand, I didn't want to revamp some of my old issues and concerns.  

You may have noticed that I have taken a few weeks off from writing.  Some things that I thought I had overcome seemed to, like the seasons, returned again to make me deal with some harsh realities.  Losing all my memorabilia from decades ago, helped me let go and choose the memories to hold onto - the good, the strengthening, the healthy memories.  But the daily struggle and patterns of behavior still return over and over again.

Of recent history

Like I've said before, the times of Celebrate Recovery between 2006 and 2012(ish) were completely life changing. For the first time, I experienced a level of sanity that I thought everyone else had. The wholeness of mind, and making decisions based on the truth was an absolutely freeing way of life from the dark cloud that seemed to always shadow my mind.

As I began to have more clarity over my own thoughts and emotions, the ability to overcome my hurts, habits, and hang-ups became more and more simple.  Taking the good and bad as it is, not as I would have it, I was able to develop new habits and disciplines that changed the way I viewed and walked through life.

It seemed that while I was surrounded by at least one person who understood the CR journey, I was able to maintain the walk. However, it seemed that I was heavily surrounded by many who "talked the talk" that NEEDED the structure and safety of Celebrate Recovery more than I did.

Even more recently

So, getting into atmospheres with less and less people who were honest about their habits, hurts, and hangups, I felt it was my duty and purpose to walk others through the steps. Unfortunately that river of denial ran deep among many of my friends, family and associates. So, my walk continued on my own.

Eventually, feeling lonely but having the will and experience to spread the Gospel, I start engaging the "lost". Surprisingly, the Gospel and steps were more acceptable to non-Christians than the church members that I surrounded myself with.  Not being spiritually fed or encouraged by the hypocrites of the cross, I compromised more than I care to admit.

So this is my insanity.  As Paul writes, "I have the desire to do what is good, but cannot carry it out." Trying on my own, without the support of like-minded believers, my faith and purpose wearied until I was generally in the same situation and mindset that God found me 12 years ago. So, to return to sanity, I returned to CR, to God's will and purpose. And as you will see, things have improved dramatically once again - the "Good ol' days" are happening right now!

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