Sanity 2 - Lawd Gimme Strength

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Fight Flee or Freeze

Before starting Celebrate Recovery 12 years ago, except for a family visit or trip to the store, my life was basically wake up, go to work, come home, repeat. The strength that I found through Jesus Christ opened me up to many more adventures - and possibly much more harm. 

Last night, during a CR teaching/testimony on Victory all of the fears came rushing back that put me into my personal prison. I did not overcome alcoholism or drugs. I did not wake up in a cell or hospital - hitting rock bottom.  With no day to pinpoint my overcoming my struggles or physical walls to mark my salvation, "chip night" is very difficult for me. But for some reason, this was worse than most as my beloved small group leader outlined some of his past struggles.

Instead of listening intently on my friend's teaching and testimony, I was overcome by grief. "Why am I here?" I asked myself. The fact that I returned without a particular purpose and I felt so much different than those who have had substance abuse issues overwhelmed me.

Frozen

My go to response when I am overcome by depressive thoughts like this is to freeze.  Not so much that I am paralyzed by fear, but so I can stop and ask God for my next steps. Should I fight or should I flee? In this case, I could not really pinpoint the reason for the fear, anxiety, and sorrow that had overcome me.

Hearing testimonies of those who have battled with alcohol, I can understand the inner fight to not have a drink or fleeing to the left lane when a bar is on the right side of the road. For me, after the sermon was done, I quietly went to my car to grab a cigarette to contemplate the reason for this attack. When I returned, small group had already started, and I was still without words - so I waited outside for my group to finish.

Perhaps you may be thinking that giving up smoking was the reason I should be there.  Although I would love for that to be true, the cultural disdain for smoking allows me to escape without interruption to gather my thoughts and feelings. This was the first time I felt like the guy in one of those stop smoking commercials - I didn't miss out on my son's graduation for a cigarette, but I did miss out on honest fellowship with the guys.

Strength 

It took some time, but after much prayer I began considering writing my testimony. It was during this time that I realized some great many things I had still to work on - my "why" for being in Celebrate Recovery again. I thought those things had been overcome, but it goes much deeper than I had thought. When I had been focussing on those things before, I easily gave up all of those outward flaws like smoking.

For the sake of time, I won't go into what I had found until the next article. Last night was not the first time that I felt overwhelmed like that this week.  But remembering that God is our refuge and our strength, and ever-present help in trouble, I do not fear looking at these defects of character head on (and do not ignore them or try to handle them "my way" either).

My mind and my body may grow weak. but God is my strength - He is all I ever need. Although God is first and last - or at least should be - in my focus, my struggle is more in relationships with others. But with Christ as my lightning rod, and God at my core, I have the strength to love others as I love myself (whatever that may mean).

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