Sanity 3 - Accept vs. Expect

Acceptance begins with sanity

I told you in my last article that I had realized that there were some issues that ran really deep.  The revelation came when I was considering a friend's testimony at CR on Friday night that was so much different than mine. Struggling with the idea that my issues are not to do with substance abuse among many who do have that struggle, I felt distanced from the crowd.

After escaping for a few minutes to gather my thoughts (with a quick smoke), the pastor came out to tell me that the night's step study had been cancelled. I was both tired from my trip and struggling to find answers to my depression and why I was there, so I was relieved that I would have time to get home and rest early that night.

Expectation

When I re-entered the building, I'd found that the small group had already started. I could have interrupted, I could have left, but instead I decided to wait for them to come out. Busying myself with cleanup, I put away the dark thoughts for a moment.  But the cleanup was much quicker than I had imagined, and the small groups stayed overtime.

During the time of waiting, I realized that the pastor did not know much about me and so I decided to have a bit of light-hearted share time of the victories (the night's topic) I had through Celebrate Recovery.  My expectation was that he would be listening intently and cherish the victories that came from the program.  In reality, he was about church business and as someone came over regarding inventory and scheduling, he gave me the "Irish goodbye" that I've found to be so common (and rude as anything) in Florida.

After the small groups let out, I wanted to sit down explain why I missed the group, asked for prayer, or at least find out what I missed. Several conversations were going on between my friends, and my plans and expectations were smashed. Although, I did try to offer some Biblical guidance for a discussion that was going on that related to me, the continued lack of the expected listener left me to feel unaccepted - deepening my depressive and dark thoughts.

Learning Acceptance

Considering my own past, I realized that being bullied at school, in the neighborhood, as well as at home left me without social skills that others seem to have developed so naturally. Romans 15:7 says, "Accept one another, then, for the glory of God, as Christ has accepted you."  From a very young age, I knew that this was an expectation of God and community - but a struggle in my own life.

Growing up where children should be seen and not heard, summers on a farm were filled with preparation for winter - not pool parties, and a demand on perfect report cards kept me separated from the world. Even at the age of six, I knew that the Bible had the answers - answers of acceptance and disciplines that so few - especially Christians - understand.  Too often, I consider becoming an addict or getting myself thrown in jail to get not only the attention - but acceptance that God requires.

The culture that we live in now promotes independence and rebellion to a point where doing good and seeking righteousness is only as good as the person it serves. I don't have an answer for this problem - Looking to Christ as my higher power may strengthen me, but the pattern in my life is that it continually alienates me from others. I don't know what to do with this anger, frustration, and fear - the fear of abandonment and worthlessness. I guess I'll just take one step at a time - one day at a time.