Celebrate Recovery... Again

Is it worth it? Last week, before the worship music began to play at Celebrate Recovery, I got the opportunity to speak with a guy who was struggling.  I didn't find out what he was struggling with as far as addiction was concerned until much later, but it is something that a lot of us struggle with - even me! It's the struggle I deal with every day I go to work, every time I go to church or CR, even every time I sit to write these blog posts. It's the struggle of wanting to quit - either I've had no breakthrough in my HHH (hurts, habits, or hang-ups), or, even worse, I've had such an amazing change I feel like I don't need this anymore. I honestly admitted to this young man, that I struggle with that, too.  I also admitted that the only thing that keeps me continuing on is knowing that the goal is much greater than I believed it would be in the beginning of my journey. The art of deception From second to sixth grades, I went to a Christian scho...

A lost driver Like most men, I think I have a pretty good sense of direction.  Before mapping apps were readily available in our phones, I don't think I ever really asked for directions. But just because the technology is available for the road, doesn't mean I've given up that sense of independence and wanting to really learn from doing stuff without instructions. It does seem that the women in my life often have a slightly different view about asking for directions. Nevermind if I have been down that road before or found that the map was actually wrong, whether it is driving to the nearest post office or screwing in a lightbulb, the constant insistence on reading the manual for the simplest things have turned me off of looking for help, and especially looking for a help-mate. Although when the proverbial shoe is on the other foot, those same women are a bit worse at taking directions at any level - but that is a rant for another time. Advanced course Some ...

My other way to cope Of all my bad ways to cope with my problems, there is another coping mechanism that I don't often share with people. Growing up going to church, you would think it would be considered an acceptable coping tool, but you'll be surprised to find out how even Christians find it offensive. Often when things are about to get bad, I have this overwhelming urge to read and study my Bible and pray. Now, I know this sounds like some Bible-thumping, hyper-spiritual scam, but so far I've been honest about my hurts, habits, and hangups so you should realize by now that this is for real stuff that is taboo in most of even the Christian world. It is when things get really bad and all of the advice and platitudes of people just don't cut it anymore that drives me deeper into God's Word. Finding that the Bible often says things that aren't taught from the pulpits and within Christian circles is both a hope for me, as well as something that make ...

Not a game Although I grew up down the road from Atlantic City, I never really caught the gambling bug.  In fact, knowing the odds were always in the favor of the casinos and not having much money, I never saw the logic of spinning the wheel, putting my money down on the table or ante up. Not to say that I couldn't hold my own in a game of poker - just that gambling was never my thing. Or was it? Instead of gambling at a casino with chips, I would play a game of basketball. I'd ready myself and say, "If I make this shot, I will..." Or if it was raining, I'd play solitaire saying, "If I get X amount of cards, I will..." Doing something daring or even a chore was depended on the flip of the card or bounce of a ball. But when it came to "If I...I will ask her out", I did not look at this game as a test of the fates, but a "sign from god."  It's a dangerous path using God's name in vain like that.  Considering Romans ...

A new hope A geek like me could not resist opening the lesson on Hope without a Star Wars reference. I was trying to figure out where I could get a picture from the inside of Darth Vader's mask, but after I found this one, I believe it does represent the concept of coming out of darkness and having my eyes wide open! Of course, it is fun to believe that The Force of the SW saga is real - and it seems real, but I'll leave that to my teaching sessions.  But no matter how many times I watch the Sci-fi trilogy (the original one), I get caught up in the adventure. So, why not in "A Renewed Hope" with the ultimate Trilogy? The devil strikes back Did you think that I was done with the Star Wars references? Not at all! Over the past few weeks of dealing with Denial and admitting that I was powerless, I had a real understanding how, like Han Solo and the crew, I had some real challenges of faith.  Now I wasn't making any deals with Jabba the Hutt, but the foc...

A shift in power We've all heard it said, "When the cat is away, the mice will play." As a kid, when I got sick and missed school, I wondered if the other kids went to school that day and what else happened on the stage of life that I was absent from. As an adult, even though I had no reason to believe otherwise, I worried what my children's room would look like when I went to inspect it. There are certainly some, if not all, parts of our lives that have become unmanageable. For the past two years, whenever I have left the office to go on vacation or to a conference, I would return to find that things had changed - often things that I was responsible for would be returned to a chaotic state worse than I had found it when I had first begun. But after a brief prayer and outro-spection of this final topic of powerlessness, I decided to switch things up. Instead of looking at just my view of my work situation, I want to show how things possibly look from my b...

I have the power - not! When considering what I was going to use as a picture for this article, I thought about using a picture of "He-man" raising an empty arm shouting "I have the power!" while "She-ra" stands by with his sword and a smirk on her face. But my powers of graphic manipulation are not good enough to pull off that cartoon. One of the biggest problems I've had during this past week was staying on task and writing about every topic in the powerless lesson. Some of the topics were really hard and revealing, others were things I had overcome or really never had to deal with. Those hard topics kept me focussed on my own thoughts, feelings, and experiences to ready myself for healing. The more "simple" ones were the ones that led to trouble. My articles had more teaching than I wanted and a striving to say an issue was in my life when it wasn't. It was those "going through the motions" and "trying to be...

Playing God I'm probably dating myself with this picture, but among many who have played "God" in Hollywood, these two come to mind when I think of which "Gods" I prefer to remember.  Most often the "God" of movies is terrifying and faceless, and so a more lighthearted and understanding "God" is who I am drawn to. Other movies cast plenty of faces for the Son of God, Jesus Christ. Depending on the director, this "Jesus" can have all sorts of characteristics - from suffering Savior to supernatural overlord, some crazed, some compassionate. However, all with a face that develops our image of the Lord. When the actors are interviewed, there is a striking difference between those who are cast for the role of "God" and those cast for "Jesus". Those who play "God" joke about the Genie in the Lamp type powers, while those who play "Jesus" are humbled by the experience. Isn't it odd h...

Comedy Relief "Doctor it hurts when I do this." The doctor replied, "Well then, don't do that!" Whether it was watching Tom and Jerry cartoons or the Three Stooges, I learned to laugh at other people's hurts. When it came to my own hurts, I might laugh it off, too!  The shows weren't as graphic as they are today, but they weren't so "politically correct", either. So when someone who looked different, spoke different, dressed different - we thought it was fine to make fun. Of course, real life is much different. A pie in the face doesn't hurt that much, but falling off a cliff like Wile E. Coyote packs a punch! You can't just "suck it up buttercup" every time someone who is demeaning you for the style of your clothes or color of your skin without having the pain come out in some other way. A commercial break When I was doing marketing, I would watch TV not for the regular scheduled programming, but for the ...

Back on the worship team? When I returned back to my old church this week, I had no intention on really getting involved. However, one thing led to another and I was not only putting away chairs, but I had left with something on my schedule for Wednesday night - worship practice. I had been on the worship team years before the current team had ever attended this church. Yet I had a reputation with a couple people there, and so I was handed a microphone. After singing a little of a song I didn't know, one of the guys asked me if I was his replacement.  Jokingly I replied that I didn't believe in replacement theology, and, in fact, they were MY replacement - and we all laughed. One of the disciplines I had learned from being on the worship team before - and the message for this post - was to harmonize. I had noticed everyone on the team was singing the melody. In our old team, we learned each other's ranges and determined who was going to go high and who was goin...

Go directly to Jail Do not pass Go! Do not collect $200! Sure that monopoly card had to really rub it in that you are going to be stuck for a while! I went to a discipleship years ago with a couple guys who had been in and out of jail. One of them told me that I would never know God or freedom because I've never been to jail. I wanted to say that they had lived a worldly free life and that's what got them into jail - but the invisible prison that I constantly am in kept me from being able to say that before he hung up. The Separation It's clear by now that I have living in solitary confinement - feeling unable to deal with the torment of the world, I've built several walls up around me, not letting many in - if any at all.  So even though my realization that I had cut myself off from God, I've also cut myself off from others - a jail without bars, without windows, and much darker than any my ex-con friends could imagine. The Promise Even though I wa...

Give me, Give me, Give me A few weeks ago, I heard a man say that he only prayed to God when he wanted something.  This concept is admittedly confusing to me.  Of all the the commandments and "hard to understand" things in the Bible, the hardest verses for me to put into place in my life are "You have not, because you ask not... ask and it will be given... if you ask of anything in My Name it will be given to you." From years of codependent groups, introvert friendships, and depression healing, the concept of selflessness is the other side of the selfishness coin which is equally damaging.  I learned that, at some level, selflessness is a type of selfishness when looking like false humility. To a point that may be true, but is minimal for me. Self - less I honestly want to improve my surroundings, environment, and relationships.  I always have! Perhaps it is a bit selfish to want a world that is run by Biblical principles. But that is my sincere desire. ...

Nothing left to give My first prayer to God before entering into the wonderful world of Celebrate Recovery, went something like this, "I don't have anything, but what I have, it's Yours."  It was quickly obvious that what I had was not what God had in mind, but what He had to give. It doesn't matter what I score on IQ tests, but I've realized that I'm not that bright. At some point, I'd forgotten that my worth comes from God, and I fell into servitude. Now I know that concept sounds oddly noble in the Christian world, but that mind of service is also transferrable to other areas, like work and relationships. Again, I'm not as smart as I thought I was, because I often forget that not everyone - even in church - is a Christian. People will use you, abuse you, and when you have nothing left to give, toss you aside like yesterday's trash. Button top pockets The common response to dealing with such people is to just stay away from t...

Alone As I mentioned in previous posts, I have accepted the label of "Introvert". Being alone is my way of charging up. But also, going through these steps, I've realized why I have developed this type of hermit life, and have begun to realize why I have felt so limited. Between being pushed to the outside of social circles as a kid, feeling singled out at work, divorced twice and not seeing my kids, I've either had a choice to accept being alone or fight for acceptance. Yesterday, I was supposed to write on two topics, but talking about loneliness and regrets about my lack of self-worth were a bit more than I could handle in one sitting at the keyboard. Loneliness Although I've justified and learned to really enjoy my time alone, sometimes this life is overwhelmingly lonely. Wanting to just have a conversation with another human being without going online to do it, to watch and laugh at a sitcom with someone, or just to talk about my day - I know tha...

Regrets, I've had a few Yesterday, I was watching TV and I saw a man, about my age and build, and he seemed infectiously happy. Immediately, I brushed him off as just some actor who must have issues - just like everyone else. I imagined the lifestyle he must've had to exude such confidence and joy and opportunities that I did not have. A scruff of a beard, mussed hair, and greying in the same way that the man in my mirror has, but something was a bit different. It had to be his eyes! So, I quickly took a selfie and brought up my favorite graphics program and gave myself blue eyes, to see if I would see myself differently. As I worked with my self-portrait, I saw the bags under my eyes, the lines in my face, the blotchiness of my skin, the grey in my beard, the yellowness in my teeth - all the things I see before I go to bed at night and when I wake in the morning reminding my of the life I have lived. But then again, too few to mention Another 'Ol blue eyes...

A Freudian Slip? Most of conventional wisdom on hurts, habits, and hangups come from studies from Sigmund Freud.  Now, although I think highly of my mother and wish more women nowadays were as caring and wise as she is, there is no real Oedipus complex to worry about. But there are some behaviors that I started as a child that I have not been able to shake. For instance, I don't suck my thumb anymore.  Instead, shortly after I stopped - at the age of 12 - I was introduced to the wonderful world - cough, cough - of cigarettes.  The other thing is, believing my house was haunted, I always needed a nightlight.  It's embarrassing, but I still can't handle the dark too well. I keep the TV on, or leave a light on so I don't trip going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Of course when I have company over, this looks like I am being hospitable, when I am just trying to scare away the boogey monster. A knight in darkness  People always thought ...

I worry too much A couple of weeks ago, I did have the worst anxiety attack that I've ever experienced.  None of my slow breathing, mind-clearing, or pacing techniques seemed to shake this blurred vision, dizziness and nausea. I'd just endured two-hours of such bold double-talk, that my brain could not figure out what was being communicated so I could provide the service that I was directed (or not-directed, I still can't figure out what they really wanted) to do. Most of battles are held internally - like this time here.  The damage is not visible, no broken bones - but possibly a broken heart, no vomiting or diarrhea (at least not where others can witness), no slamming of doors or slandering of others - no way that others can see my struggle.  I was looking for a good picture of "breaking out in hives" as an example, and saw that it looked a lot like leprosy (the picture I actually used) - if my inward battle left me isolated, I can only imagine what the r...

The labels we put on ... others As we go around our Celebrate Recovery small group circle, we introduce ourselves: Hi my name is ______, I am a believer in Jesus Christ, and I struggle with ______. When I switch to the teaching phase of this blog, I'll go into some more detail about why that format is so important. Yesterday was "May the fourth", and as I mentioned before, I am a "computer guy". Well, that is how I am labeled by others, and I was amazed, myself, that I had let the holiday of the greatest sci-fi story pass me by! It's as my label of "Hello my name is SUPER GEEK" had fallen off. But there are several labels that people have put on me. Some kind, some not so kind. Depending on the label they have of me is the stigma that they treat me with.  But one thing that has come to my attention lately is that whether they love me or hate me, most say the same thing that makes me seem unapproachable. The labels we put on ... ourse...

I'll just Google it I've been trying not to refer to any brand names to slant my struggle, but "Google" has become our go-to for so many answers in our lives today, it's just too hard to explain it any other way. Call it being cheap or call it pride, but often when I run into a problem I want to learn to do it myself instead of finding someone more suited for the job.  Of course, in some instances that helps me grow in wisdom - but at some point, I need to just make that call for HELP! Considering I just wrapped up the series on Denial, where I took some first steps to find where my problems and weaknesses were, my immediate response is - I got this!  Now common advice is to attack the problem straight on and admitting I am "Powerless" sounds kind of counterintuitive. But it is usually my DIY mentality that got me into this trouble in the first place! The first serenity robber As I had worked with many whose addictions were substance rel...

Saying goodbye to denial This is the final article on the first step of "Denial". As I've explained before, this blog was intended solely for my own benefit - to keep my focus away from those thoughts and other patterns of behavior that often challenge and tempt me. Often that was what websites I would go to on my computer, or what TV shows I would watch - but more about dwelling on the situations in my daily life that would keep me from joy and growth. Every day or night when I write these articles, I'm a bit apprehensive if I should be putting all this stuff online. When the anxiety of such transparency reaches a peak, I often get a message from someone who has read a particular article saying that it has helped them realize that they are not alone and they want to commit or re-commit their life to Christ through Celebrate Recovery. Regrets, no regrets As this is my second round in Celebrate Recovery, I often want to skip ahead. Part of what makes writi...

I'll go eat some worms While others were playing "ring-a-round-a-rosie", I was in the corner singing about eating worms. There are some really awful songs we were taught as children! If you don't know how the song about worms goes, it starts like this: Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go eat some worms... Now, I don't think I ever really ate any worms, and when they came up after a good rainfall or when we dug them up for fishing it never sparked the song for me.  Instead, it was my consistent belief that nobody liked me and that everybody hated me - a mindset that only began with the thought that the whole world was against me, formulating depressive thoughts. Then, there was the "I think I'll go eat some worms" part, that even as a young child knew what that referred to - and when my depressive thoughts got bad enough, thoughts of suicide crept in. I'll eat the crust of pizza Socialization became inevitable in...

The Tale There is a truth we tell ourselves. There is a truth that we tell others. There is a truth that comes from Heaven, and a safe place is where the Three all meet. The Two Towers Obviously, not every place is a safe place. In my recovery both in the past and today, it is difficult to walk out the honesty throughout the whole day - especially when going into the office of the accuser.  I spent the past 3 hours writing and rewriting, erasing and editing, praying and crying about the day I had today.  Over the past few days, the environment around me has changed, and my accuser joyously admitted that things have been much better. Forgetting where I was and that my behavioral work probation required me to have these twice-per-day management meetings, I replied, in truth, "I haven't changed a thing!" Perhaps, not the best place to admit that the changes were all God's hand! I didn't stop being honest, truthful, or humble. I didn't stop wo...